The Declaration of Independence
(Backyard Barbie Version)

Fourth of July, 1776

The mob from the thirteen colonies having their say

Look, sometimes in life you’ve just gotta cut the cord. One lot of people decides they’ve had enough of being bossed around by another, so they break free and stand on their own two feet. When you do that, you’ve gotta give the world a heads-up why.

Here’s the deal: everyone’s born equal, and everyone’s got rights that no king or pollie can pinch — like the right to live your life, be free, and have a fair crack at happiness. Governments are only there to look after that, and they only get power ’cause the people let ’em. If a government goes rotten and starts trampling those rights, the people can chuck it in the bin and set up a new one that actually does the job.

We’re not saying flip governments like you change footy teams. Folks usually cop a lot before they finally blow up. But if the mob in charge keeps pulling the same dodgy moves, taking the mickey and pushing for full-blown tyranny, well then, it’s time to boot ’em and start fresh. That’s us right now — we’ve put up with enough crap.

This King of Britain bloke? He’s been a shocker. Here’s a taste:

• Won’t pass laws we actually need.
• Stops governors from fixing urgent stuff, then ghosts them.
• Wants us to give up our say in parliament or he won’t budge.
• Makes parliaments meet in weird back-of-Bourke spots so we give up.
• Sacks our assemblies whenever they stand up to him.
• Refuses new elections, leaving us in the lurch.
• Blocks migration and makes land bloody hard to get.
• Won’t let us have proper courts.
• Keeps judges on his payroll so they do what he says.
• Sends a swarm of paper-pushers to bleed us dry.
• Parks soldiers here in peacetime without asking.
• Puts the army above civilians.
• Signs off on dodgy laws that:
  • dump troops in our houses,
  • let soldiers get away with murder,
  • shut off our trade,
  • slap us with taxes without asking,
  • strip us of jury trials,
  • ship us off overseas for fake trials,
  • bin proper law in nearby places to spread tyranny,
  • tear up our charters and scrap our laws,
  • shut down our own parliaments.
• Ditches us completely, then declares war.
• Nicks our stuff, torches our towns, kills our people.
• Hires foreign thugs to finish us off.
• Forces captured Yanks to fight their own.
• Stirs up rebellions and sics frontier mobs on us.

We’ve begged nicely, written letters, tried to play it cool. All we got back was more kicks in the teeth. A bloke who carries on like that is a flat-out tyrant — not fit to lead a free people.

We even gave our Brit cousins a fair go — reminded them of why we came here, asked them to knock off the nonsense. They turned a deaf ear too. So, no choice left — we’re done. From now on, we’ll treat ’em like anyone else: enemies in war, mates in peace.

So here it is, straight up: we, the reps of the United States, speaking for our people, declare these colonies free and independent. No more bowing to the Crown, no more strings attached to Britain. We can now make war, cut peace deals, sign treaties, trade, and do whatever else free nations do.

And to prove we’re serious, trusting in a bit of divine backup, we all promise each other our lives, our fortunes, and our good name.